Victory and Defeat
by bahari
Summary: L can't help but be intrigued by classmate Light Yagami, and Light can't help himself either-even as Light's mental health deteriorates, they are still drawn together. AU LxLight, 50 sentence prompts.


**Published 6.18.11**

**A/N: Written as one of those 50 sentence prompts; I love doing those. I know I've done insane!Light before, but here's a different spin on it. There's no Death Notes here, and L and Light go to the same school. I think that's all you need to know. **

**Warnings: A teeny bit of language, psychological issues (lots of those), some sexual content, nothing very explicit.**

* * *

><p>01 – Walking<p>

Light Yagami walks like royalty, beautifully, L decides one day as he picks at his lunch—until, one day, L notices that he doesn't—and then Light walks like he has something to hide; L is intrigued.

02 – Waltz

Light is dancing, very carefully, around half a dozen subjects that he can't bear to face at night alone in his bed—chief among them is that he hates everything and everyone and everything is pointless and horrible and everyone is boring and awful—and what is he living for again?

03 – Wishes

Oh if wishes were fishes, Light thinks to himself as he idly doodles in his notebook, if only . . . well, if they were, Light thinks he'd have dozens and dozens, one for every time he's felt black despair heavy in his chest or the blackhole-pull of dizzy oblivion.

04 – Wonder

There's a crystal ornament on the corner of the teacher's desk, and Light finds himself staring at the dusty glass sculpture (instead of paying attention to a boring lesson), and it lights something gentle and sad inside him; something that makes him smile and makes him want to cry at the same time.

05 – Worry

L has never really concerned himself about another person before, and even he wouldn't have guessed that the first person he'd truly worry about would be perfect, cold Light Yagami—but when Light stops showing up for school, that's exactly what he finds himself doing.

06 – Whimsy

The psychiatrist's office (the one his parents drag him to after he absolutely cannot get out of bed for three days in a row) is simultaneously very cold and very warm, and Light is itchy and uncomfortable—until he realizes that hey, this is just another game he can play, and then he sets himself to the task of convincing her that he is schizophrenic, just for the hell of it (and hey, a quiet voice in the back of his mind whispers, maybe that's not too far from the mark).

07 – Waste/Wasteland

Light Yagami returns to school after a week's absence, and L is about to breathe a sigh of relief before he realizes—Light is here, yes, but at the same time he is horribly absent, because the razor sharp intelligence L is used to seeing is gone—and there is nothing there to replace it.

08 – Whiskey and Rum

Meds suck, Light decides, examining the glass in front of him, and the amber liquid swirls sickly as he drinks again and again until he can't hear anything (anything but the white roaring in his ears of a dozen voices straining to be heard) or see anything (anything but the dark shapes just out of the corner of his eye that skitter and jolt and disappear as soon as he turns his head to look) at all.

09 – War

_No, _Light says, when he's going to head to head with his father, _no, I'm not taking them anymore, no, nothing's wrong with me, nothing's wrong, nothing's the matter—_and he feels like if he keeps saying it, maybe it will be true and he won't have to fight anymore.

10 – Weddings

_We're barely friends, L, _is what Light says to his longtime rival when L extends the invitation, and _I know, _L says, _I just need someone to come with me, please, it's my cousin's and I can't stand his fiance, _so finally Light shrugs and nods because why the hell not, it'll get him out of the house for a night.

11 – Birthday

_It's my birthday_, L mutters unhappily as they both nurse their drinks at the open bar (the _only _good part about this reception); so _Happy fuckin' birthday, then, Lawliet; cheers_, Light slurs, and tosses back another drink (even though he knows he's not supposed to be drinking, not with these meds—he almost hopes something goes horribly wrong).

12 – Blessing

It feels almost like L's ministering to him, the way his hands are careful and sweet as they stroke his chest and slide down to the zipper of his jeans and it feels sticky and hot and horribly wrong—exactly like Light had hoped.

13 – Bias

And _I hate you, I hate you, you know, _Light groans as L sucks at him, keeping him in a trembling rhythm and L pauses just long enough to murmur gently back, _I know you're not talking about me, Light, _and Light groans again and snaps at him to keep going, because he doesn't want to L to understand, doesn't want him to see that Light's talking about himself and no one else.

14 – Burning

It's hot hot hot back in his own room after L drops him off in the morning, and Light is stifling under his parents' probing questions, he can't breathe, can barely hear his mother asking him what's wrong, he just _can't breathe, why can't he breathe he is going to die._

15 – Breathing

He doesn't open his eyes at first—at first, he just gasps and gasps until he's satisfied, like a man without water who's just discovered a hidden spring—and when he does open his eyes, he's sorry, because his father's there, telling him that he doesn't care what kind of hangover he's got or what _issues _(spoken like the dirty word it is) he's dealing with, he's going to school today.

16 – Breaking

Light tries to pay attention, he does; but the shadows are back, just out of the corner of his eye does he see them, and they keep gnawing at his reality, snapping off huge chunks of it until he's shivering and when his teacher tries to ask him what's wrong, it's a close call, he almost isn't able to insist, _I'm fine, just cold, it's fine. _

17 – Belief

L hears what Light tells the teacher, but he knows it's a lie, he saw the bottle of pills in Light's backpack—Seroquel—last night, and even if Light truly believes his words, he's still lying through his teeth.

18 – Balloon

Light makes it to lunch, and he not surprised or relieved when L joins him, because he's taken about 4 of his pills out of a desperate, almost feral desire to stop seeing the monsters in the dark pockets of his vision and now he's floating, gliding, tripping up on air and he doesn't care, he doesn't care, he doesn't care three times over what anyone is going to think.

19 – Balcony

There are no high balconies at his house or school, and it's nearly impossible to access the roof on either—but that's okay, Light thinks, because he's going to use razors or pills anyway.

20 – Bare

Light doesn't think it's going to happen again, he doesn't know what's happened but suddenly he's at L's house and they're together in L's massive bed and L whispers that _I can see you, Light_, and Light realizes that he's bare in more ways than one; with a feral grin, he bites L's shoulder, hard, and decides that he likes it.

21 – Quiet

L leaves him after he's taken everything he wants, and Light hates him for it, not because he feels used (he _likes _that part), but because he's left alone with the silence and the white noise begins to roar, horrible and consuming, and he's lost.

22 – Quirks

_I don't think he's good for you, L, _Wammy, L's great-uncle, (almost the last of his family) says, and when L just shrugs, Wammy adds, _He's . . . different—wrong_, and L grins at him and says, _Me too_.

23 – Question

_So what the hell's wrong with you anyway? _L asks, and Light rolls over onto his side to look at him and grins, edges hard and sharp and L almost shudders as Light says, _That's the million dollar question, Lawliet. _

24 – Quarrel

Light doesn't want to go home, he _doesn't_, but home is where clean clothes are kept, and his toothbrush and _whatnot,_ and so reluctantly, he steps inside to the _where were you's _and the _you're grounded's _and best of all, the _we're so disappointed's._

25 – Quitting

All his energy and mania is gone the next morning, replaced by heavy eyelids and harsh breathing and clenched fists and absolutely no reason to get out of bed.

26 – Jump

_Come on—_voices, slithering and hissing, begin to whisper as he lies there, they're all poisoned apples and diseased bodies—_come on, do it, there's nothing left, do it do it do it—_and finally, he does, just to shut them all up.

27 – Jester

20 minutes later, as he's violently retching into the toilet, watching the white powder of his pills swirl in the water below him, he thinks his failure is almost funny—funny enough that he begins to laugh (only so he won't cry).

28 – Jousting

_Where are you ? _L asks over the phone, and Light only coughs weakly, and L adds, _What are you doing? _and Light doesn't smile when he says, _Fighting it_, and hangs up.

29 – Jewel

When he's lucid, Light curses his raw intelligence, his athleticism, his beauty—everything that has made him the shining star of the family—because maybe if everything about him didn't seem so _right_, then they'd be able to see everything was so _wrong. _

30 – Just

L shows up in his bedroom the second day he misses school, and Light wonders how he got in there, but before he can ask L breathes a sigh of relief and says, _You're alive_, and Light turns his face away to hide his disappointment as he murmurs, _Only just. _

31- Smirk

Sometimes, L forgets why he puts up with Light—forgets why he deals with the moods and the twitching and the general _insanity—_and then Light will smile at him, smoky and curling, with eyes at half-mast and then L remembers and loves him for it.

32 – Sorrow

Light sometimes forgets about his family—forgets about his steady father, his doting mother—and then he'll see Sayu, standing in his doorway, ready to ask for math help and then seeing . . . seeing something in his expression, maybe, and she walks away instead; and then he is very, very sad.

33 – Stupidity

_I'm so sick of this_, Light almost screams one day after school, _I'm so _sick _of this, I want to _die_, _and L can only pretend ignorance, can only pretend he doesn't hear because he has nothing to say that can make Light change his mind.

34 – Serenade

L is humming something gentle and soft when Light wakes up, and his lips twitch up into a small smile as he listens; gradually, he falls back asleep, that smile still on his lips.

35 – Sarcasm

_No, _Light says when L suggests that he move in after graduation,and so then L has to say something like, _Oh, so you want to stay at home with your _parents_, _and Light snarls, _Leave me alone, _so L snaps back, _Yeah, I'd guess you'd need your privacy to kill yourself; _Light is stunned into silence, and doesn't say anything, even when L apologizes.

36 – Sordid

It's dizzy and spinning and Light can't breathe (but he loves it) when L is inside of him, and even though they fight and sometimes he thinks L doesn't care about him (and he loves that idea too), Light can never give up this dirty little secret.

37 – Soliloquy

_-and they're everywhere, L, and I can't stop them, you don't . . . don't understand, please understand, I'm not trying to hurt you, or push you away, I can't help it; I can't help the feeling, it takes me over, and nothing makes sense, I'm either manic, energy everywhere, hearing things, seeing things that aren't there, or I'm so, so low, I can't even move and it _scares _me L, it scare me to death . . ._

38 – Sojourn

Light knows that it's only temporary, but when he wakes up the next morning feeling light and real and almost . . . almost happy, he kisses L again and again and makes breakfast for the two of them and even has time to feel sad that L looks so amazed.

39 – Share

_Well, why not? _L asks, and Light has to think about it; when he does, he realizes that there's no reason why not, so slowly he nods and agrees, _Yeah, I guess I will move in. _

40 – Solitary

L is always there for him these days—he's even taken time off to help Light recover or whatever the hell he's supposed to be doing—and Light knows that L cares for him, perhaps more deeply than he can understand; but if that's true, then why does he feel so _alone_?

41 – Nowhere

Light is back in the psychiatrist's office because L threatened to, quote, _kick his ass to next Thursday_ if he refused to go again. This time, Light is gone far enough that he finally just sighs and nods when the psychiatrist asks the right questions and shakes his head when she doesn't; by the end of his appointment, he is tired and lost, but L smiles at him, so he guesses that it's all right.

42 – Neutral

_Three months ? _L asks, and the psychiatrist nods and tells them that yes, that's how long the meds will take to work, and they both look at each other, L incredulous and Light passive—and because Light doesn't say anything, L finally shrugs and mutters, _I guess if that's what it takes_.

43 – Nuance

The problem, one of the little problems, Light thinks, is that he doesn't _like _taking his meds; so he doesn't.

44 – Near

Three months approach; Light seems no better.

45 – Natural

L finds out (of course he does, he finds everything out) that instead of taking the meds, Light has been flushing them, and that is the first time L every actually loses it, throws things and shouts (it is only natural, how _dare _Light do this to the both of them?) until Light is on the verge of tears; when he finally does calm down, he extracts a promise from Light that he'll take the pills from now on.

46 – Horizon

Light can see nothing now—there is no horizon for him, nothing there for him to look forward to—but sometimes, when he is in L's arms and he feels safe, he thinks he might be able to spot a glimmer of light very, very far away; and so he hopes.

47 – Virtuous

L made Light promise, and L makes sure he damn well keeps his promise—he watches him swallow every night and every morning and Light, true to his word, keeps them down (no matter how nauseous he feels, no matter how wretched he is, no matter how his pride gets in the way).

48 – Valiant

Light has appointments every other day; Light has meds he takes every 12 hours; Light has exercises he has to do; and Light does all these things dutifully, but Light also knows that the only thing that's really keeping him sane is L's tender, gentle care every single day.

49 – Victory

It is not easy; the meds cannot take care of everything and Light still swings and shudders with hot, excited energy or lies very still some mornings, drained and dreading everything and everyone–but it is _something, _he feels _something,_ and that, Light supposes, is a victory in and of itself.

50 – Defeat

L used to think that forming attachments to people was defeat (after all, look at how his parents walked out on him), but after all this . . . well, just after everything he and Light have been through together, he's found that he doesn't mind losing so much.

* * *

><p>AN: No one bother me with L and Light drinking even though they're not supposed to. Just pretend, okay? Okay.

Whew, okay, that was actually pretty tough to get out. I wrote a great deal of this from personal experience, so I'm kinda jittery about posting it; I really I hope I haven't offended anyone, and I hope all that seemed cohesive and coherent. If you have any questions about Light's condition or if anything was unclear, please message me or ask in a review. Also, it's unbeta-ed, so if there is anything wrong, just let me know and I'll fix it.

Oh, and of course, the obligatory begging for reviews: please please please please I put my soul into this, let me know what you think.


End file.
